It's 2008, it's the year I feel like I have been waiting for my entire life. It is supposed to be a year of change and end. My resolution is to pass, to be the best I can possibly be. I want to graduate this year, I want to finally finish school. I resolve to pass. I can't even describe how I feel, how anticipation is running through me. A year is supposedly a long time but to me it's nothing, a blink of an eye. It's what I have been waiting for. A time to be who I want to be, to see where I am meant to be. I can finally leave school and start life. I don't know where I'll be or where I'm going but it's going to be something. It's going to be something so big. I am going to graduate with a 3.0 and Business Management degree. I am going to show everyone what I can truly do. It will be a long year and my classes will be very tough, but all I know is it is the end. I can finally say that I am a senior. I am in my final year! Two semesters left! Then who knows what. Who knows where I'll work and live, who knows? There are so many possibilities in just a year that I can't wait.

I remember him telling me that I was welcome anywhere. That I was always welcome. What I had to find out on my own though was that I wasn't truly. I can call but he won't pick up, I can get invited but then dis-invited or blown off. There are many was to tell someone they're welcome but then do everything to make sure they can't come. What hurts the worst is when he just doesn't invite me, not anywhere. He doesn't want me unless it involves sex. It hurts. It shouldn't anymore though, I should be past that point by now. But somehow he always seems to give me hope and that's what hurts the most. Why the fuck would he specifically tell me I'm invited to Mt. Evans and then not answer when I call in the morning or just not invite me. He does not even tell me he is going, I get nothing for two days. He seems to have a pattern, a pattern of having sex with me and then not calling and not doing anything with me. I am not important at all to him, not at all. It hurts. It hurts so bad all the time that I am past the point of crying. He is just such an asshole sometimes. Well it seems like all the time now. He doesn't even care what I think anymore. What I think of him using chew or smoking. He does not give a shit. I am so low in what he thinks about me that I do not even care to think about it for the pain it will cause me. My time is past with him and I should just move on. He does not care about me. He does not care about my feelings. All he cares about is himself. He is very very selfish. At this point I would say that he is one of the most selfish people I know. How would he feel to know that my opinion of him has gone so low? He probably doesn't even care because of his "smoking." Smoking does jack shit. It's just him trying to find something else to cover up his own actions. He needs to grow up and figure his shit out. He needs to be a man and say what he thinks. I'm not even crying sad like I usually am. I'm just disappointed and numb. And to me that is the worst for him. It means that sooner or later I am going to tell him what I think. and it's not going to be as someone who loves him. It's going to be as his good friend whom he treats like shit.

I wish I had never met him, I wish that we could have never gone beyond what happened in high school. I just wish so many things at this point. I just want it to stop hurting. I want to make it stop so badly. Why can’t I make it stop? Please just make the pain go away. It hurts so much sometimes I can’t stand it. All I want is to not feel anymore. How is it that one person can hurt you so bad that you just want to stop feeling. I just want it to go away, forever. I want to be happy. I want to be happy so badly. Why can’t I be? Why is one person standing in the way of my being happy? Why am I letting him? At this point I don’t even feel like I have control anymore. Why now does he decide to just step off? Why couldn’t he have done that when it would have made a difference? When he dumped me. That would have been the time to stop talking to me, to so obviously avoid me. He’s hanging out with other people and I can tell he’s trying to find an excuse to let me go, to not talk. He obviously has lots of spare time. And I don’t even want to talk for a long time; I just don’t want to feel like he’s avoiding me. Because that would be the worst for me at this point. For the person I want so badly to not want to talk to me so bad that his excuses start to become very very obvious. What’s wrong with me? Why is it so hard for someone to love me? It’s very obvious that he doesn’t. Rory does not love me. There I’ve finally admitted it to myself. He does not love me, he wants me, but he does not love me. He won’t make or take the time to call me. I do. I’m sick of waiting until 8 to call him only to have him make a horribly lame excuse about something. Why does it hurt? Because he used to make time for me. He used to be excited to talk to me. He used to always answer the phone. Not anymore. Never anymore. We are not a couple. I have to keep telling myself that. BUT WHY HAVE FUCKING PHONE SEX WITH ME???? WHY TALK ABOUT SEX??? STOP USING ME. I can’t stand it, it hurts so badly. I want to be happy so much. I want to feel happy. To feel that everything is alright, but it’s not. I don’t know when it will ever be. I want happiness. Everything is not alright, at least for me. I’m glad it is for him. I’m glad he sleeps so well at night. I wonder how he would feel that right now, at this very exact moment, I regret him with all my heart. With every part of my being. He stole my happiness. He made it something else, something painful.

I remember when his friends used to yell at him for talking to me all the time. Used to yell at him for talking about me all the time. Now he probably never mentions my name. He’s probably hiding me. He’s going to have to hide me if he’s dating. I wonder if he’s found someone else. Maybe that’s why he is avoiding me. It’s so unfair. It is so damn unfair of him. Unfair of him to lead me on. He needs to tell me he doesn’t love me. Because at this point I don’t think he does. At this point I don’t feel like I ever will find happiness. Or love. He’s so undeserving of the love I have for him.

You say we can’t be together because you can’t be there to protect me. But the funny part is you can do something to protect me. You can stop doing this to me. You can stop making me hurt, night after night. You can make the pain go away, because it won’t. It won’t stop hurting, it won’t go away. It ha seemed to leak into my very being. You say you will let me choose what I want but how can I make a choice like that when you lead me on so much. You string me along for the ride. Asking me for love, for talk about very intimate things, to be you best friend. I can be your friend but beyond that just hurts so much. And now that I’ve finally told you how I felt you no longer talk to me it seems like. Why do I feel like you’re ignoring me? Why would you have phone sex with me and the not call me? When we finally did talk it felt like you tried to make it short. Are you cutting me out because I told you how I felt?

Funny how I can tell him everything and he responds. Well until I bring up anything that has to do with us, or me and dating in general. Or just feelings. It hurt me a lot that I will say what I'm thinking and what I've been meaning to say for a long time...and he will just say nothing. Nothing at all. All I want is to be together. But I am starting to feel without something for once, hope. I feel hopeless. Hopeless to the fact that he doesn't seem to listen to me when I really talk, hopeless that he spends more time with someone else and when he can finally see me he's still going to be spending time with the person he sees everyday. He's only here for 5 days. 5 fucking days. and 1 of those is a wedding. Funny how I'll fly out to see him and spend time with him but I really don't get the same in return. Then he asks me to do that again. We get to spend time together only if I go see him. How hard is it to find a few hours to do something with me? Anything? All I want is one date, not even a date. Just some time. Yes I admit I want to make love to him too, though he probably calls it sex. But I really miss him. I miss just going out with him, spending time together. Stuff he gets to do every fucking day with fucking yeti. It'd be a whole different story if it was someone from colorado or his parents. But not fucking yeti. That is why I am bitter, that is why I can't get over it. She's protective??? I don't care. I could really give a shit. She means nothing to me, nothing. Why is that? Because she gets to see him, just like he himself said, every fucking day. and I get whatever is left over. Yes he calls me every night, but no I don't get to see him. and when I do it's table scraps. Oh well don't worry baby we can go screw in your car at night or really early in the morning. Don't worry that'll be our time together. Thanks, fucking thanks. That really makes me feel special, makes me feel like you want to see me. Makes me feel wanted. Oh it does, sexually, but not in any other way. Funny how the thing that broke us up was that I stopped feeling special, because he made yeti feel more special than me. Now it's the same old story, but we're not dating. Maybe I would get a say or a few hours if we we're dating. But now I'm pretty low, pretty fucking low. I feel pretty low. In fact it hurts, it hurts a lot. Here's where'd he'd get all defensive and tell me I'm being childish. Funny how I know him well enough that I know what I can't tell him. and I know how he would react to me saying something. You know he says he's excited to see me, but if he really was he'd make some time, any time. Other than the time he sees us having sex to make me feel wanted. Too make me feel anything other than what I feel now.

You probably will never wonder if I love you, you already know. What you may not know is that I will not wait forever. I cannot continue to hope that someday you may see what I see in you, what you take for granted. What I see in you is so many things. I see someone who wants so bad to succeed. Who if given the chance can. You're so young and so am I. I can understand these things. I can understand your need for freedom and the need to experience things. Hell I need to experience so much yet. But I also see so much in you that others don't see, that others take for granted. That no one else takes the time to notice. Maybe someday you will look at me and see what I see in you. Someone who I could want to see everyday and never get tired of. Someone I want to just be with. One of my best friends and also the love of my life. You may never see the same things as I see in you and that may be my mistake. My mistake for hoping. Hope is a horrible thing at times. It makes you believe that something can happen. It makes something so special to you, so beautiful seem far away and dirty. Dirty because someone doesn't see it the same way as you. They don't see what you see. All I wanted was to make you as happy as you make me. That seems like such an important thing to me. But then one day I didn't make you as happy as you made me. And it made it dirty, it made me feel different. It warped my view. Yes I love you, with all my heart right at this moment. There is nothing you could do or say that would make me stop loving you. The point is this time is that I can and will push it away. Make it something less than it actually is. I know I am young. I know I should be too young to be saying something like this. But I also know my feelings, my emotions. and I know that I love you, in a way that I have never loved anyone else. You made me the happiest I had ever been in a long time. And now? Now it is something dirtier. Something that I am ashamed to talk about. it makes me seem weak. Weak for not leaving, weak for not finding someone who sees in me what I see in them. Who wants me to be as happy as I could ever be. All I want is too be happy. All I want is to make a life for myself. But I don't want to be alone, I want to find someone to be with. and that someone needs to want to make me as happy as I want to make them. It won't matter what our situation is. All he will know is that no matter what he will do whatever it takes to make me happy. I know that's how I feel. I know it seem like a lot. But I also know that someday I will find someone who feels the same way. Who sees me as something that is worth waiting for, worth going out of their way to be with. It may seem like a lot to ask but in the end I would not ask something of someone else that I myself would not be willing to do. I do not give my love lightly. I will do whatever it takes to make that person happy. Not at the total expense of my own happiness though, never that.

I still just can't get over the fact though that I am going no where in the spot I am in right now. he did not view me as worth it. I was not worth it to him. Why should he be worth it to me? Because I know that I honestly loved him. That I honestly wanted to be with him. I would have made him so happy, I would have tried to make him as happy as he made me. If not more. I would have moved worlds for him. I know it seems like a lot. Especially for someone who is 20, I am young. No one needs to remind me of this. But doesn't everyone believe that at some point, no matter the age, you could meet someone who will mean the world to you. Who you will think the world of. But the horrible part of hope and love is that they may not feel the same way about you. So in the end you have love, but what is love, truly? It is something that can turn a heart bitter, that can make you cry. It can also make you happier than you've ever been. But in the end is all the heartbreak worth it? I am not so sure anymore. All I know is that I am back where I started. With my love and my hope. But those can only last so long, and I am only 20. He can string me along for a bit but in the end he has to realize that I will tear away sometime and find someone who wants to make me happy. It is the one thing I deserve. and in the end I may have to realize that he cannot give to me the one and only thing I have asked for out of life. Happiness.

I wonder about so many things lately, painful things. Things I shouldn't think about because it makes my chest hurt. Funny how you love with your head and not your heart but it's me chest that contracts when I think of him. I am sick of being the someone that will always be there. No matter how many dates he goes on or how many girls he flirts with. I still love him and it's a love that doesn't let me move on like he has. I can't even look at other guys or pass his old street without thinking of him. It's like a shadow in the back of my mind. He won't fucking let me go so how can I let him go. I'm stuck between dating and not dating. I'm in a relationship but I'm not. I can't date other people because I love him so much and because there's hope. Hope he won't kill off so I can move on. Hope that one day he'll realize how much I love him and what I could have done for him. I could have made him so happy. Just being with him made me happy, that wasn't enough for him though. I did not make him as happy as he made me. It wasn't enough, I wasn't enough. I was at one point, at that so in love stage. Where no one else made a difference. Where you were the only two people in the world. Where you can wait forever.

I can't stop thinking about how he told me once that he knew that I was worth it because he loved me enough to wait for me to finish college. When did he stop loving me that much. When did I stop being worth it. Kayla was right when she said that there are people who wait years and love the person enough to do it, to them anything is worth this person. I wasn't. I can't get past that point. Never in my life has anyone so bluntly made me feel that I wasn't worth it. That I was something that was fun for an amount of time but in the end just knowing you could have me eventually wasn't enough.

It may not even be that. It may be that he selfishly realized that he could have me and other women. I wonder sometimes. All I know that in the end of this he is being a bit selfish. and I am a bit self destructive. I could go out and date if I wanted. But the thing is, I really truly do love him. I would do anything not to lose him. And I truly can't date other guys while I still have this overwhelming feelings for him.

I feel so alone and lost sometimes though and I just don't know what to do.

Why do I feel like I'm on his time schedule? How when he feels like answering the phone then he will, if he's having a bad day then he won't. I shouldn't feel this way because I told him it's okay but right now I'm just stressed out with tests and he's being weird. I know he's been having some bad days but I'm just not at all sure what's going on. I cannot trust his feelings it feels like. Who knows if he actually likes me and who knows if he won't change his mind when we are finally together. and does he really want to see me as much as I want to see him. I feel like he's bored. Who knows. I remember when he was excited or at least I felt like he wanted to be with me. Those small things have all disappeared and I'm left with these feelings of doubt. Doubt about how he feels, about what I am doing, about what will happen. Maybe I'll get there and we'll have a good time, not great and his feelings will be pleasant with me, not what I feel. and he'll realize he doesn't really love me after all and that he should move on. We're moving on to our 8th month already, I've never been in a relationship this long before, god I don't know what to do. I don't know if there's always a bump like this, who the fuck knows with long distance. I'm really really sick of the hot and cold I keep getting from him. One moment I feel like he cares and really wants to see me, that this is such a good relationship. and others I feel like he's bored, cold and has better things to do, that this is something nice that he can put on the back-burner when he feels like it. Two more weeks, I don't know what's going to happen. How he will feel. How I will feel. I feel like I need to hold back on everything because I do not know what is going on with him. It feels like the only time he wants to be like old times is when he is drunk. I don't know how I feel about that. He's friendly and tells me he misses me and how much he loves me. Otherwise it's all kinda lukewarm. I am so nervous about this trip and I shouldn't be.

I feel like I need time to myself, but I also can't bring myself to do it. I'm not sure what I want. On one side I want to talk, I love to hear his voice. But other times I tell myself that this could end badly and I should distance myself a bit. I guess the point of it all is that I need to get my shit together. I need to keep my phone turned off for a bit. Maybe take some time to think, to figure out what I want. I need to figure out what I want out of life, out of everything. Until I figure out what I want from myself then I should keep stringing everything along. Like something will pop out of nowhere and my life will all of a sudden be perfect. It's funny how the past can come back to bite you, how one of the most shameful acts can create a pain very deep. All I want is to know. To know who I am, what I want out of life or what I am doing. I need just a very short time of distance to prove a point, I need to do this. With everything I have been doing then I should be able to do this. It's small steps though, I learned that a long time ago. Who knows, maybe something big will happen. Someone will figure something out. Because right now something feels wrong. I think I know what I need to do to see. Maybe something bad will happen, but better now then later. I feel like I met someone I want to share with, but maybe it still wasn't fate or anything stupid like that. I just need to test the waters, something he's done but I never have. I'm sick of being the one who's hanging on, not anymore. I am going to do this. I will figure out my life. I will not let some small insignificant part of my past get in my way. I will prove to myself what I should have known all along, that I am strong enough. That nothing can really break me. I will not lose everything because I have gained so much in the end. I have strength, the strength to look someone straight in the eyes and tell them that I have had enough. I will not be treated like shit for something in the past that was such a shame to me. and I will not let any part of it happen again, I will figure it out and try some new things before I ever let that happen again. If it does end bad it will hurt, but in the end I will come out stronger and I will not let something drag me down from the life I want. The life I ultimately deserve after everything. All the shame, all the crying, all the pain. All I want is my life and I will take it back. I don't care who I have to hurt or what I have to do to get there. Some day I will look back on everything and realize that I am strong. I am strong enough to handle anything thrown at me and there is absolutely no reason for shame.

I don't know what I am doing sometimes. I feel trapped and I feel like nothing is under my control. The past is never the past and the future is just too far away sometimes. Is it even worth it half the time? Part of me says yes and the other side says this can go really bad and you might never see it coming. I want to cry, I want to breakdown. I want things to just go faster, to zip ahead a few days, years, a lifetime. Just to get it over with. Not everyday, just somedays. When it seems to much, when there is no one there for me. I feel like I am doing it on my own, it may seem like I have someone, but most of the time I don't. I am so scared that something will happen, that something has. Fuck now I'm crying, because everything just isn't worth it sometimes. That some people were and still aren't worth it. Why doesn't time erase all things? I still feel my chest clench sometimes, I can feel an emptiness where something once was. I'm so afraid that if it all goes wrong again that I'll have an even bigger opening, something scary and something that shouldn't be there. Maybe I'm getting better, but I feel like I'm sabotaging myself. Setting myself up for another chest crusher. I feel angry scared and so sick, very sick. I feel ignored and wronged and tired. I am so tired of it all sometimes.

I constantly feel like I am looking over my shoulder, just waiting for something to happen. and it always feels bad. Sometimes it's a normal day and others I am just so restless it makes me uneasy. I am sick of always being the same type of person. Though after so long what can you do? Yell and scream, make people not like who. I am who I am and sometimes that just doesn't feel enough for me. I for one thing am not a very assertive person or very good at making decisions. Those are two things that are part of me. What isn't it the never ending nice-ness, the people pleaser. If you make fun of me then I'll just laugh it off. Some days it just never stops annoying me. I get so sick of people and their shit they throw at me thinking it'll be okay. It's not and I don't like you saying things like that to me.

One day I hope that I will wake up and no one will remember the lie I said. The lie I have built upon for years, it scares me. It keeps me up at night so that I have to take sleeping pills. It weighs down heavy. But it's either the lie or the truth which no one will ever understand. It burns me inside and makes me less of a person than I could be, but no one knows that. Every time I get my hopes up for never talking about it again I re-do what is the biggest reminder of my lie. It's a disorder that

Well I still don't know what's wrong. I feel jealous all the time and rejected and it's just because I'm stressed and I'm feeling slightly bad about my parents. I pretty much hung up on my mom today, for something beyond stupid. Who cares if he told me no, but told Ryan yes. Why does it matter at this point, why am I still caring around the past sometimes. It doesn't solve the problem, it just makes it worse. Being with someone else isn't gonna make a difference either. Not to cheat or anything, but to feel like someone cares. and he does, he's just busy. I'm busy too, but I also have lots of time by myself to think. I have things I need to work out, I just need to figure it out on my own. I can't be who I wanna be if I'm still carrying around past regrets. No more tears for things that don't effect me anymore, no more regrets. I need to get my shit done and do what I need to do for myself. Not for anyone else. That's why I get jealous and get like I get, the past. I need to learn that the past does not repeat itself in every situation. I need to get over what it is, I guess I'm not as strong as I thought I was. And I need to not blame things on others, if something goes wrong I need to take it if I helped create it. If I get a crap grade maybe it's because I didn't practice enough, who knows. Stop dwelling on it and work harder to do better next time. I'll be fine, I know I will be. I need to stop letting myself bring myself down. Life is not always as bad at it seems. I guess I'm just scared, scared of what happened to me happening again. But it won't, it's not at all the same situation. Stop dwelling on what happened and open your eyes to what is there. I know I can, I know I can do anything I want to. The only one holding me back is myself. It's time to get what I want done and then whatever I want to happen in the future will.

Something's wrong, I know it. I just don't know what, something is bothering me. Making me restless. Making me question what I usually don't question. I think it's all because of him and what he did to me. Seems like so long ago. I have someone better now, so much better he doesn't even deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence as him. Why does his name keep popping up though. Maybe it takes longer to mend a broken heart. I don't even think it's that, I feel scared. Very scared. So scared it's making me restless. Making me worried. Making me feel a way I never want to feel. Maybe it's better, not to fall in head first. To go into it slowly. I dont think I ever let it all out. I feel so old, yet I feel like I have all the time. I miss him, I think it's that too. I can wait though, he's worth it. It just feels like everything is happening at once and yet not at all. The things he says seem to good to be true, sometimes I feel like he deserves someone better. I don't know why I think less of myself in this aspect. Maybe because he had brought me so low for a bit. I need to get back to how I was, I can't remember though. It feels like my memory is dieing sometimes. I need to just rest, to just lay around. Whenever I think about resting though I miss him. It's hard, really hard sometimes. Too many couples it seems sometimes. But he's worth it, I really do love him. I'm just careful now, once you break something it takes awhile to fix. It might be a bit and a lot more trust before I can fix what he broke.

Sometimes I feel like time is going by so fast where school is concerned, but so slowly in the areas I really want to fly by. It's like a game I'm never going to win. I feel like I'm a horrible person, but what my dad is mad at me for is something I really want to do. Maybe I'm being stupid and wasting the last times we'll have together, and maybe I'm giving something a chance that could be more. I'm confused, happy, worried and lonely all at the same time. I'm not even trying to be social because of all the work I have to do, yet it seems that I'm going out all the time. Funny how I really wanna just sit and relax somewhere like I used to. I want to go sit in a bookstore or just drive around. I don't have time anymore. I have to choose between being there for my friends or doing something I need, I need to just do something mindless. I'm so worried that I'm going to not make it, macro-econ is not my thing. I need to pass this class, I need to show to my dad that I am something. That I can be someone. He doesn't need me to prove this but I need to also do this for myself. Funny how our times together never work out, we fight over something and then he tells me to call mom more and talk small talk but to leave the important stuff to him. He tells me she cannot do anything for me. Seems like lately she can't even be a mother. She keeps talking about seeing me but it never works out. My aunt sends me more cards and talks to me more than she does. I have too much on my mind and too much in my life. and not enough of what I want in my life. I don't want to be needy, I don't want to be a bad roommate. But somehow it seems I'm doing both of these things without meaning too. I started doing more things alone so I force myself to study more, I'm eating dinner alone everyday and sitting in my room with my notecards. I have a list of things I want to do and I look at it everyday, but I just don't have time. I can't just go out and do whatever, I have to make a list and find time ahead in the week. Maybe saturday or sunday, maybe not because I know I have some big tests coming up. Maybe life will never slow down, I'll graduate and lose track of the things that I used to love to do. Maybe I'll do well on my tests and life will seem good or a second in time. I'm just stressed and I don't have the time to do what I want to do. Which seems like laying in bed all day. I just want to lay back and stare at the ceiling. Nothing complicated.

I can't believe all that has happened in the past three weeks. How can you meet someone from so long ago and become so close in so short a time? I'm kinda confused and not sure what to think. Do I really need a long distance relationship at this time? and what's gonna become of it? We live in two different states and he's never coming back to colorado for many years. I still have around three year, maybe a little less, of college. Where do I think this is going. I feel like I wanna talk to him all the time on the phone, I hate talking on the phone. I hate silences and all the small talk. But it's not really like that with him. Even with all this against us, including my parents and some friends, I still want it to work. I am willing to give it my all if he will. But the question is will he? My past has not had the best luck with this. No one puts in what I put in, I'm lucky if I get a 50% effort to what I put into my relationships. I'm so confused. My aunt told me in one of the first frank conversations we had, funny on how I listened to her but also didn't, that maybe this is my first serious relationship where the guy is also giving 100%. I don't have enough time to think it through though. I have so much studying and so much shit to do. I wonder what this is to him, is it what it is to me? It would have to be something special for me to put any effort into a long distance. and I'm through with wasting my time, I don't wanna date to waste time. and I can't have the usual fun most couples have by going on dates. But I still want to give this a try. I want it to work. and I think that's enough. The fact that I am willing to put all of me into this. I will still have a life and still study, but I will also make this relationship a priority. It's hard with the missing of someone and the cold, hard fact that you won't see them for so long. Two months is a long time, but he's willing to do it then so am I. I want to.


Now my roommates are another story. Rory is miles away and I still feel like he's closer than they are. They could be in Siberia for how they make me feel. I haven't done anything to alienate them other than spend my time studying instead of talking about the random shit a lot of girls talk about and my classes are at way different times than theirs. It's not the fact that they borrow my movies without asking, but that it hurts my feelings that they don't ask me to join them. Like tonight it stung so bad, we were all three watching the same show on TV but they insisted on watching it by themselves in Sara's instead of out in the living room where I was. That is definitly like a slap in the face. I keep thinking back on what I might have done to make the situation like this and I can't think of something. Even when Steph first moved in I always remembered t ask her how her classes and day went and if I went out I asked if she needed me to pick something up for her. It's not like she ever asked me, but it stung when she started garing at me and mumbling her answers. It's not like I was saying something mean, I honestly cared about wether she had a good day or not. I don;t know what I'm doing wrong. Kayla says I'm not doing anything wrong but when the facts are living with you it's hard to ignore.

So once again college is back. It took a lot for me to come to a place I have only visited once senior year and make all new friends. I'm scared that I am gonna only have five friends or so and be a loner or that girl in room 4A I rode the elevator up with. My parents call everyday because they know how scared I am. I've decided I need to get out there today, I started doing my homework on the grass outside, talking to people in class first and I will jion swing club when it starts. I've always wanted to learn how to swing dance. I love ska so much that adding a few dance moves to what I already have will make it so much more fun. I just should stop caring so much about having a boyfriend or more friends. I just don't want to end up alone.

Tell me what's wrong. I can't even begin to explain, it's like it's eating me up inside. I can't be by myself. There's too much, like something waiting to come out. Do you ever feel like something's so wrong it might just never get right. Like you care but no one else does. I feel like something is wrong. I can't sleep anymore, it eats me up inside. A part of me tells me to call my dad or just talk to him, god knows why. I just get the same talk from him. What is wrong with me, why can't I be happy? Why must I start things I'm not ready to finish. I feel like I try but no one notices. I value friendship and other emotions more than others and it's killing me. I just want to escape. I have such high and such low expectations for the vacation. Someone always ends up fighting, we're a broken, fragmented family. It just doesn't work all the time. I feel paraniod, like everyone's out for me. Like it's me versus everyone else. What is wrong? It's like some big hole inside I can't fill. I can't fill it with raw things: sex, food, friendship. I just is all so meaningless. Why do I say I value friendships when I kill them off so easily, it's like I enjoy doing this to myself. I keep the people I know who don't care that much close and the others who if given a chance would help very far away. I cut them off like it's nothing.

I realized I am very flaky. I was just used by another person and I am already thinking about a different guy. Why can't I learn and stop for a bit to think about what has happened? Hopefully this new person will not end up like all the rest, we shall see.

Well it happened again, I'm sick of people telling lies. Why must everyone use and abuse my trust. I am so sick of being the one that gets stomped on and then told "I'm so sorry." No your not or you wouldn't have done it in the first place. Well I asked for it, doing something like that. But still, all i ever want is for people to not abuse what I so openly give. I just need some time to myself right now. It hurts that this has happened so soon after the last liar. I hate people sometimes.

I try to think of what I've done that is my own and I keep drawing a blank. I wonder if I'm actually good at any subjects or i'm just sliding through. I know I can function normally just like every human out there, but I also have some real fears about large cities and many people. I like the thought of disappearing into a crowd where no one knows me and no one cares. But then again if I'm alone I feel like everyone is staring at me and wondering why I have no friends who care to walk or sit with me. It's like I always have to sides of my personality that are at war. At concerts I sit on the sides with Kimber no matter how badly I want to jump into the pit. Why can't I just get the guts to do what I really want to do? I don't even think my family knows who I really am, they know a lot about me, but just not me. Sometimes I sit and wonder whether it's the love I crave or the sex? I know I am a very sexual person, but do I really connect it with love? It's a half and half choice right now, two of the people I have been with I loved and two I didn't. Nothing ever splits easily for me. I am so confused about so many things in my life, can some stupid counselor even begin to help me? Do I have the time and the willingness to take what they say seriously. It didn't help me much before so why would it make a difference now?